Charlie J. Biggerscoops and the Scooperette

Movie Scoop: Wolverine Script Excerpt

2006-08-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks to certain inside connections we have at a local copy shop frequented by many Hollywood players, we at the Scooperette are able to get our hands on some very hot screenplays before any other sites. In fact, just this morning our agent on the inside managed to secure for us six pages from one of the most sought after scripts in Hollywood. Hot on the heels of the success of this year's X-Men 3, 20th Century Fox has put the untitled Wolverine spin-off on the fast track to production. We at the Scooperette are delighted to give you the exclusive first look at what will no doubt be a monster hit.

It's clear, even from reading just these six pages, that they are taking a very different approach with this movie than they have with the previous X-Men films. The attitude is much more hip and in-your-face, which is sure to be popular with younger audiences. This new direction is exemplified most by the script's mysterious screenwriter. Described by our source as, "young. Like really young. I thought he was like 14 but I guess he'd have to be older than that if he works for the studio like he said." When contacted, the studio was uncooperative and refused to reveal the identity of this writer, going so far as to deny he exists (I guess this is just a magic script that wrote itself, HA!).

GHOST
That is why you must avenge my death!

DR. WRAITH
I understand father, I will avenge your death by building a huge robot to hunt down the mutants! I will call them… Sentinels!

INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

We're in a really cool nightclub and there are lights flashing and really cool music, (anything but the Black Eyed Peas yuck!) and there's a french looking guy DJing at the turntables. His name is DJ GAMBIT

DJ GAMBIT
(yells into the microphone)
Is everyone having a good time mon amies!

EVERYONE
Yeah we are!

Just then one of the big windows smashes open and a man on a motorcycle comes flying through. He does a backflip off the motorbike and the bike goes crashing to the floor and all the ravers jump out of the way and yell and stuff. The man lands on his feet and stands up and we see it's WOLVERINE.

DJ GAMBIT
Hey what's the big idea mon ami?

WOLVERINE
Come out where I can see you Magneto! I know your in here!

MAGNETO
Very clever Wolverine or should I say Logan! How did you find me at this night club establishment?

WOLVERINE
Easy Magneto, I bought this compass and since you're magnetic I just followed where it pointed. Right to you!

MAGNETO
I see Wolverine. I doubt your compass will do any good in here!

WOLVERINE
Why is that!

MAGNETO
Don't you notice something strange about this place Logan?

WOLVERINE
Hmmm... these are no ordinary ravers.

MAGNETO
That's right Wolverine, they are VAMPIRES!

And then Magneto flew away through the window and Wolverine was surrounded by ravers that were all showing their fangs.

WOLVERINE
Oh man I feel like I'm having a flashback! (because Wolverine was in Van Helsing)

DJ GAMBIT
Holy crap! Vampires at my rave! Hey mon ami do you need help?

WOLVERINE
Yeah thanks!

DJ GAMBIT
Oui mon ami!

WOLVERINE
Hey fangface! I've seen grandmas that are tougher than you!

VAMPIRE
Oh yeah what's your power? Crying for your mommy?

WOLVERINE
No way you want to see my power I'll show you!

And then Wolverine made his claws come out. The vampires looked surprised for a second but then they look mean again. Wolverine runs at the vampires and starts stabbing them with his claws. When he stabs them they turn into ashes like in Blade.

DJ GAMBIT
Hey mon ami are those claws adamantium? Vampires are weak against adamantium just like silver mon ami!

WOLVERINE
I know

DJ Gambit picked up a record album from his turntable and it started to glow and he threw it at a vampire like a Frisbee and it exploded! And then he threw a bunch more at other vampires and they all exploded too.

WOLVERINE
Whoah what's going on? Those are some hot albums you got there.

DJ GAMBIT
Yeah mon ami that's my mutant power. I make things glow and blow up when I throw them. I discovered it when I was 16 and a robber came into my house and I was home alone and I threw a book at the robber to scare him away but he exploded and I never told anyone about it because I didn't want anyone to treat me like I was different mon ami.

And then Wolverine kicked a vampire in the face and spun around and sliced it in half with his claws and then this girl vampire wearing a pink hat came up to him and he stabbed her with his claws and she died too. Then Wolverine stuck out his arms and started spinning around really fast and everytime a vampire tried to attack him they got chopped up.

DJ GAMBIT
Phew that was some fight mon ami.

WOLVERINE
Yeah, where's Buffy the Vampire Slayer when you need her right?

DJ GAMBIT
Look out behind you mon!

WOLVERINE
Oh no! A vampire grabbed me from behind!

SARDOTH
My name is Sardoth the vampire and I'm going to suck your blood Logan!

Wolverine tried to stab Sardoth the vampire but he was holding onto him in a way so his claws couldn't reach him to stab him.

WOLVERINE
DJ Gambit! You have to throw an exploding record at Sardoth to save me! Don't worry about blowing me up because I have an adamantium skeleton!

DJ GAMBIT
But I'm all out of records mon ami! There's nothing left for me to throw and save you!

WOLVERINE
What about that pack of cards on that table over there?

DJ Gambit looked over at the pack of cards sorrowfully.

DJ GAMBIT
I'm sorry mon ami, I can't. You see, I used to have a gambling addiction. One fateful night during a high stakes poker game I got four aces and I bet everything I had... my job, my house, my family. There was no way I could lose, I thought. But I was wrong. The mobster I was playing against got a royal flush and beat me. I lost everything that night, and I promised I'd never touch a playing card again in my life mon ami.

WOLVERINE
You have to DJ Gambit! Or else I'll become a vampire and my DNA combined with the vampire virus will create the strongest vampire on Earth and I will suck the blood of every living thing on Earth! Including you!

DJ GAMBIT
You're right Wolverine! I have to let the past go! TAKE THIS, MON VAMPIRE AMI!

And then DJ Gambit picked up the pack of cards and threw four cards at Sardoth the vampire and the camera follows the cards flying through the air in slow motion and you can see the four cards are the ace of hearts, the ace of diamonds, the ace of clubs and the ace of spades and then the cards go right into Sardoth's mouth right before he's about to bite on Wolverine's neck and then his whole head explodes.

WOLVERINE
Phew that was close. I was almost a vampire snack!

DJ GAMBIT
I can't believe there were vampires in my rave and I didn't know it mon ami. I guess I get too wrapped up in spinning that I don't care about anything else.

WOLVERINE
That's no way to live your life.

DJ GAMBIT
You're right Logan mon ami. Maybe I should give up spinning for good.

WOLVERINE
I'm going on a journey to find my true origin. You should come with me.

DJ GAMBIT
That sounds cool mon ami. Hey, maybe one last song, what do you say mon ami?

WOLVERINE
Okay!

And then DJ Gambit did a backflip and puts on a cool record. Then Wolverine picks up a microphone and starts rapping into it.

WOLVERINE
(rapping)
Yo Yo Yo!
My name is Logan and I got claws
I bust rhymes without no pause
When I’m through with you

As anyone who reads this can see, it's an unapologetic, no-holds-barred take on the source material. As long as the studio keeps their meddling fingers out of this project and lets the visionaries do their thing, next summer could be an exciting time to be a movie-goer.

Movie Review: Beach Planet

2006-07-05T23:53:00.000-07:00

okay folks here i am back with more movie reviews for you. today i'm going to review a movie i saw called beach planet! its about aliens who are surfing on their home planet (which is called beach planet) and then when they stop surfing they say "hey we've surfed at all the beaches on beach planet now, we have to go find a new gnarly planet for surfing!" and they type something into their alien computer (but they can type from very far away because they have long alien fingers not like me I can only sit THIS far away from my computer when i type. you can't see me but i'm typing from pretty far away by human standards. anyway the alien computer tells them about a planet named earth that has major radical waves for surfing and the aliens say "HANG TEN!" and hop on their surfboards and fly to earth (their surfboards can fly too).

the next part was VERY scary because the aliens are flying through space without space helmets on and that is a very dangerous task because there's no air and there's space radiation and space meteors and space aliens (other kinds of aliens that are meaner) but thankfully they make it to earth okay. the aliens want to surf so bad but first they have to find something to eat. they don't know what earth food looks like to they try tasting everything! they taste: a cat, a car, a tree, a lollipop (which tastes very gross to alien tongues because on beach planet candy is made out of crystals), and an octopus who tried to steal their surfboard (i laughed so hard i couldn't believe it you have to see it to believe it!), and they finally found something which tasted good which was a CD! EWWWWW am i right? then one alien says "this rock and roll is very tasty, we should try and get some on beach planet!" and a bikini girl nearby says "hey gross aliens, rock and roll isn't for eating it's for listening to!" and then she plays some rock and roll on her boombox and the aliens dance for like AN HOUR IT SEEMS!

then later after the surfing competition the aliens are sent to the principal's office for misbehaving and the principal gets so mad that he tries to shoot the aliens with a gun but the aliens use their long fingers to grab the gun out of his hand and they tie a string to it and hang it out the window where principal henderson can't reach it and shoot other innocent people. then the aliens go back to the surfing competition and I was like "hey i thought they already won the surfing competition WHAT'S UP?" but I guess it was a different competition because the guy has blue shorts this time. the bad guy tries to rig the competition by feeding poison to the aliens but poison to aliens is like spinach to popeye if you get what i mean, i mean they surfed so good that it blew everyone's pants off (not literally this was a family movie!) then the bad guy got so mad that he stole the trophy which was a golden surfboard and he tried to surf away on it but then the octopus came back and stole the surfboard from him and i laughed so hard that i spit my popcorn like a mile!

then the aliens are driving in a dune buggy and they get very homesick for beach planet but they don't have the juice to go home (maybe the octopus stole that too!) and then bobby said "hey guys LOOK OUT!" and there were other aliens called glabbagorks which are bad aliens and the aliens look at the aliens and they said, "hey ugly maybe you should pick on someone your own size you bum" and then they looked around and one of the aliens picked up an alien and threw him at another alien and one of the alien did kung fu and kicked an alien but he dodged and he hit another alien and the aliens (not the blue aliens) got onto a boat and they were like "does anyone have a boat license?" and bobby was like "no but he does!" and cappy came and rescued them in a car that floats! then the alien said the moral of the story is that any planet can be a beach planet if you have friends there and also oceans and sand too.

all in all i give beach planet THREE thumbs up (that's how many thumbs aliens have).

(note from the editor: After further investigation, we have concluded that the movie named Beach Planet does not actually exist. Tom Falco admits he may have dreamed the whole thing, but thinks it would be pretty cool if it actually was real.)

Retro Game Scoop: SHAQ FU SEQUEL?

2006-06-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

Here at the Scooperette we're not always looking forward, showing our audience the future, we also like to take the time to peer backwards, and show you the stories that fell through the cracks in generations past.

In 1994, Electronic Arts published Shaq Fu, a fighting game starring basketball star Shaquille O'Neal, for the SNES, Game Boy, Sega Genesis, and Game Gear systems. Despite the company's strong support for the game (including a heavy marketing campaign), the game went on to receive poor reviews and ultimately flopped. As far as the public is concerned, that's where the story ends. However, according to a source that was working within the company at the time, EA had far more faith in the product than it first appeared, and even had grand plans for an entire franchise of fighting games starring the world's greatest athletes. Our source tells us they had even begun development on the game's first follow-up, but it was canned soon after the release of Shaq Fu. The name of this game was Gretzky Kwon Do.

The game starred Wayne Gretzky, the world's greatest hockey player and hero to millions. The story began with Gretzky on his way to a charity game in Transylvania. While riding his bike to the rink, he is abducted by a spaceship and taken to Planet Dracula. When he arrives, he discovers that vampires have been kidnapping the planet's peasant children and turning them into wooden statues. It's up to Wayne Gretzky and his unique brand of martial arts to defeat the evil Count Nosferaku and his robot horde to restore the kidnapped children to their natural state.

Due to the game being largely identical to its predecessor, only with a few new sprites, the majority of the game was complete when it was canned. There were even a handful of prototype cartridges produced, all of which have unfortunately disappeared in the years since. It is presumed they were taken by employees, and are probably now in their private collections or perhaps sitting in a cardboard box in someone's attic. One thing's for sure, due to their extreme rarity, these cartridges are one the most sought after items in the video game collector's market. Perhaps the only greater prize is a game that may only exist in whispered legend.

Some call it no more than a collector's urban legend, but others are convinced in its existence. One man (who prefers to remain nameless) claims to have seen it himself, albeit briefly, in the private collection of a reclusive enthusiast of exceedingly rare video game artifacts. This game was said to have been intended as the third in the Shaq Fu trilogy, developed alongside Gretzky Kwon Do in absolute secrecy (not even the team developing Gretzky Kwon Do was aware of the existence of another team), of which only one prototype cartridge was ever produced. To this day, video game conspiracy buffs pore over decade-old discarded memos and cryptic internal documents salvaged from the developer to try and prove the existence of this third game. One of these researchers, a Northern California-based man named Dr. J. Ritmanis, claims to have uncovered the definitive piece of evidence. Ritmanis claims to be in possession of a scrap reconstructed from a box of shredded paper he recovered from a landfill, a photocopy of a fax of a memo, with six slightly smudged words that appear to read:

ABORT PROJECT: Agassi Jitsu is cancelled.

Movie Review: CARS

2006-06-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

well i saw this movie last night and I must say TWO THUMBS UP! or maybe just ONE THUMB UP because i didn't understand it AT ALL.

Television Scoop: The DVC Animated Series

2006-06-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks to our intrepid intern Richie and his diligent dumpster diving efforts, the Scooperette recently got our hands on a discarded early draft of a soon-to-be-announced press release from 4Kids TV, detailing one of their brand new animated children's shows starting this fall on Fox.

---
Hot off the heels of the summer's biggest movie and one of the best selling books of all time comes an all new animated adventure for kids. We at 4Kids TV are very excited to announce none other than The Da Vinci Code Animated Series!

The Da Vinci Code Animated Series follows the intelligent but always clutzy Robert Langdon, Professor of Religious Symbology, as he travels the globe solving hair-raising mysteries, everything from haunted houses to terrorist plots, using his unique knowledge of art history. Speaking of art history, Robert Langdon is joined in his quest by one of the most important pieces of art history in the world, the Mona Lisa herself! Thanks to a botched pagan ritual, the painting has taken on a life all her own, and has devoted her newfound life to tracking down evil-doers... when she's not fixing her hair that is! Assisting the duo is smart-mouthed 14 year old genius Leia da Vinci, descendant of Leonardo. She creates amazing James Bond-like inventions and gadgets for Robert to use based on her great-great-great-great-great-(well, you get the picture)-grandfather's drawings, such as wooden flying machines and grappling hook wristwatches.

While solving mysteries, Robert and "M.L." find clues uncovering an ancient religious conspiracy known only as The Brotherhood of Shadow, commanded by the mysterious Father Lucertola. His bumbling henchmen, Serpente and Orso, are always making trouble for Robert, even if their harebrained schemes to trap him never quite work out the way they plan.

Robert and M.L. go undercover to sneak into a
fancy ball in "The Mystery of Napoleon's Diamond"

The Da Vinci Code Animated Series promises to be a grand adventure chock-full of art, ancient conspiracies, thrilling chases, ticking time bombs and religion! Da Vinci Code will air Saturday mornings on Fox before V For Vendetta Jr.

Game Scoop: POWDER: VENGEANCE PROPHECY

2006-06-17T00:45:00.000-07:00

POWDER: VENGEANCE PROPHECY
DEVELOPER: MASSIVE CORONARY STUDIOS
RELEASE DATE: SPRING 2007
PLATFORM: PC, X-BOX 360

This year's E3 was full of huge announcements, everything from the PS3's motion-sensing controllers to NCAA Football 2007. With all these big stories, a lot of smaller games tend to fall through the cracks, even if they promise to change the very face of the industry.

Games like Powder: Vengeance Prophecy.

Developed by Melbourne-based Massive Coronary Studios, Powder: Vengeance Prophecy is a game based on the hit 1995 film about an electric albino hailed by critics and audiences alike as, "an uplifting, heartfelt, must-see film... even though it was directed by a convicted child molester!" When asked why they chose to adapt an eleven year old movie into a game, Greg Scoom, producer of Powder: Vengeance Prophecy, tells us, "A lot of older movies are being adapted into games these days because gamers are starting to realize that games adapted from current movies always suck. But Powder is totally a great movie, and is really timeless. Who doesn't watch this movie and think how cool it would be to have all those awesome electrical powers? I know I do! Now fans will get the chance they've been waiting for!"

Vengeance Prophecy acts as a sequel and the story picks up directly after the film ends. For those that have seen the movie, you will remember (spoilers ahead) that story ends with Powder being hit by a bolt of lightning and disappearing, presumably dying. Greg Scoom explains how the game's story deals with this, "Well, as you know, the movie ended with [Powder] getting hit by lightning, but when you play the game you find out that the collision of the lightning bolt with Powder's electromagnetic field didn't kill him but actually opened a hole in space-time and sent Powder rocketing into the distant future. We like to think that the movie was always intended as the beginning of a saga, even if the director and producers denied that when we asked." The game begins with Powder awakening in the year 2099, only to find the world is now controlled by a corrupt totalitarian government led by a mysterious figure known only as Mister President. Powder joins an underground resistance and uses his electrical powers to fight the One World Government's secret police force, and eventually reveal the secrets of the future in order to topple the oppressive government Mister President has created.

"It's very heavy material for a game to tackle," says Scoom, "We're used to the stories in our games being about rescuing princesses and what-not, but we felt we could take storytelling in games to a new level, just like Powder did with film. It's a very topical story, that deals with a lot of issues that we're facing in America today with freedom and stuff. Well, we're not facing these issues ourselves because we're in Australia, but we see a lot of stuff about America on TV."

Scoom mentions that they are in negotiations with some of the movie's stars to reprise their roles from the film, but so far no contracts had been signed. "Obviously they wouldn't be playing the same characters they did in the film because those characters would be dead by 2099. But for example, we are currently talking to Jeff Goldblum to reprise his role as the science teacher, only now he would be a computer hologram that his character from the film invented and put his mind into."

When asked about the gameplay, Scoom's face lights up, "Gameplay is a real passion of mine, it's my favourite part of most games! We're really trying to take the best parts of all our favourite games and put them into one package like never before. We're combining the balls out action of a third person shooter with the strategic aspects of a third person stealth game and the wide open world of a Grand Theft Auto game." Not only does Powder gain access to a massive arsenal of guns (including pistols, silenced pistols, machine guns and laser machine guns), Powder has an impressive array of supernatural abilities.

"We tried to keep his powers true to the film, while also making them fun to use, and throwing a few surprises in there too." Powder's abilities include Magnetism, which allows him to move metal objects (such as crates and barrels) with his mind a la Magneto, Lightning Blast, which he can use to shoot electricity out of his hand and fry enemy soldiers, Electro-vision, which gives Powder the power to pick up the electricity signatures of enemies and see in the dark (much like infrared goggles), Invisocloak, which creates a magnetic field around Powder that refracts light and renders him invisible to enemies, and Lightning-Time, which you can use to "make all the enemies move in super slow-mo while Powder dives through the air and blasts them away like in a John Woo movie." Scoom also promises a few surprise powers to be revealed closer to launch.

As if that's not enough, Scoom also reveals that the game will feature a complex hand-to-hand fighting system. "At one point in the game Powder will travel to Neo-Hong Kong, where he meets Xiang Qichau, an immortal who teaches him the art of wushu kung fu." Powder will be able to string together a number of graceful yet powerful combos as well as perform devastating "chi blasts".

"Powder will need all these abilities and more to survive the ruthless concrete jungle that is the future," Scoom adds, "When the One World Government discovers an ancient prophecy that points out Powder as a threat to them, they create a genetically engineered super-soldier to have all the same powers as Powder, except he's black, not white. They call him Black Powder and he is sent to hunt down Powder and the other rebels."

Although the version of the game we played had some issues with slow-down and pop-up (especially during the hoverbike race segment), and the two levels we were shown had no real geometry yet, and Powder only currently had one power implemented and was not yet animated, and much of the dialogue was still in Russian (the game's writer does not speak English, so he writes the dialogue in Russian and it is later translated into English), Massive Coronary still has a few months to iron these problems out. With a little polish, they have a sure hit on their hands!

Movie Review: X-MEN 3: THE LAST STAND

2006-06-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

hello everyone and welcome to the new home of tom falco! i quit my old job at that other site because i forgot the address (it was something about robots and cake dot com i think)!!! my first job at this new site (which is called a blog which stands for Boring Letters About Garbage hahaha that's not real i made it up) is to write a review of the hot new movie called xmen 2! i mean 3! the full name is xmen 3 the last stand i think because professor eggsavier stands up in the air for the last time before he dies (<- SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!)

if you haven't seen the first two xmen movies you will be VERY confused when you see this (you will sit there going "hey who is this guy?? what is a mutant???? why is that gorilla wearing a suit ??(this is one thing which is not answered in the first movies because its just a funny joke)" lucky for me i saw both of the first movies (xmen 1 and xmen 2) and i also went to the theatre with my friend davey who is a xmen XPERT (his mutant power is to know lots about xmen hahaha)! he is very handy to go see xmen with because everytime i see someone knew i say "hey davey whos that?" and he tells me "thats spikey man and his power is having spikes in his skin!"

so much stuff happens in this movie its like three movies in one (but only as long as one don't worry its not like kingkong which is like FOUR DAYS LONG)! wolverine and metal man fight a statue in a videogame and cyclops goes to the beach and meets jean and then a little bald boy (maybe hes related to professor eggsavier well have to wait for xmen 4 to see) invents a cure for mutants and they give it to a guy and he grows wings!! And magneato wants to get rid of the cure because they have their own cure i think. LOTS of stuff happens and jean goes evil and punches wolverine and then makes A HOUSE FLY and then magneato finds a muscleman with a helmet named jugglernot (i laughed SO hard). and then magneato makes a bridge fly all the way to the island where the bald boy lives. and then the xmen fight the bad guys and the gorilla fights too hahahaha! and then wolverine stabs jean to get back for when she punched him earlier!

all in all i give xmen 3 the last stand 8 out of ten. NO WAIT 9 out of ten because there was a fat guy who got skinny when he sat down and it was SOOOOOO funny!!!! davey told me his name was jenny craig and i didn't get the joke until like the next day and i started laughing my head off in line at the grocery store! the guy behind the counter gave me a googly look.

The Grand Opening!

2006-06-04T02:41:00.000-07:00

Hello readers! Welcome to the grand opening of the Scooperette!

What is the Scooperette?

The Scooperette aims to bring you the entertainment scoops that no one else will bring you. In a time when even the independent media is firmly entrenched in the pockets of major movie studios, and video game publishers frequently buy glowing reviews, we're here to provide truly objective opinions and news unfiltered from "official" sources.

Who are you?

My name is Eric Poulton and I'm the founder and editor-in-chief of the Scooperette. The Scooperette Squad also includes Tom Falco, our resident movie reviewer. We're starting off with a small staff, but the team will be filled out as the site grows.

Who is Charlie J. Biggerscoops?

Charlie J. Biggerscoops personifies the ideals of this site. He's an intrepid journalist who follows the leads everyone else is too afraid to pursue. He believes in trusting his sources, no questions asked, no matter how wild their claims. While everyone else is using their heads, he uses his gut and follows his hunches to get the big scoops. He also has a mustache.

(Left: An artist's interpretation of a man that looks somewhat like Charlie J. Biggerscoops.)

Thanks for reading the Scooperette! We look forward to becoming your #1 source for entertainment scoops!